Moving on

My divorce - final.

My heart - open.

It is funny when you can't move on to love someone new, and then after some time, you meet someone, and everything clicks. It makes sense. It feels right.

Strep throat is God's way of telling you to chill out.

I hate being sick. I do. It's no joke. I have so much pain swallowing, that I need to take Vicodin to ease the pain. Good news is, I am feeling better!

I mess up most things

Sometimes I think I know exactly what it is that I want. When I come close to it, you would think that I should hold on to it - right?

Not me. I scare it, chase it, throw it AWAY.

I'm feeling sad, but not terribly regretful. He is probably better off finding someone who suits him more - someone closer to his own age, someone who wants to be his wife.

Hell, I'm still (technically) married.

I also don't want just anyone. I want to be crazy in love with the man.

Tall order - I know.

Rihanna - Rude Boy

Damn Rihanna.
All I can say is "Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up." LOL

My Mom

I've been pretty open with my mom about my divorce and my love life (I sensor things out that are irrelevant to her - ha ha). She knows that I have a couple love interests, but am finding it difficult to develop feelings at this time. "Maybe you're not ready" she told me yesterday over the phone during our weekly check-in convo. "I don't think I will ever be," I said. I miss Sam, and know that there is really nothing left for me there. It's hard to accept.

But I accept it a little more each day.

I have been having anxious dreams about him lately. They are pretty horrible actually. Horrible because of how they make me feel. Disjointed, paralyzed, fearful, alone, upset, sad...

Not completely unfamiliar feelings.

I know I am capable of a lot of love. I have a capacity that grows everyday for it. I feel confident that there will be a time when I am ready to open up and share what is inside of me with one very lucky man. :)

I just have not met him yet.

Day Dreaming

I have very vivid day dreams. Like most people, I fantasize about exotic locations, beach-side, with a lovely, tasty beverage. Toes buried in the sand, my lover by my side, and all the time in the world, no need to have a phone, a laptop, car, GPS, because no one can find me!

Yes, I fantasize about hiding these days. Seriously. Lately, in my day-dreams, I'm in Costa Rica, Puerto Viejo, a gazillion miles from any stressor, and two steps from the big, blue ocean.

I am one stressed-out chick.

Swimming has helped me a lot. I try to go 3 - 4 times per week. I try to have a vigorous work out since I have a lot of energy to expel in order for me to be exhausted (not sure if that is the right word?). It's weird, I know, but that is when I am most peaceful - when I am all tired-out and when I am in the water.

I will be up at dawn tomorrow - to get to the pool before the lanes get packed full of swimmers. I hate waiting, reminds me of traffic, and traffic stresses me out.

Go figure.

Date Me, Date My Girlfriend?

A friend and I went to a pub to hang out and shoot pool - don't ask.

We were sitting at the bar, making small talk with the bartender and a tall, dark and handsome gentleman walked up beside me. We began talking about stuff like travel - mainly because he noticed I was drinking a Limoncello - and Italian lemon liqueur. He said that not many people who had not been to Southern Italy would know about the drink, blah, blah, blah...

So, toward the end of the night, we exchanged numbers, and me and my girlfriend went on our merry way. He called the next day, asked me to lunch the following week. I accepted!

We had a GREAT lunch. Talked about a variety of things. At the end of lunch, he seemed a little hesitant - which was very awkward because the entire conversation we had beforehand was non-stop, good interaction. He looked at me, and said that he wanted to know how I felt about dating two people at once. I said that I didn't think it was a big deal, since I am fairly open about my relationships and if I was dating two men at the same time, I was doing just that - DATING.

He hesitated again, but smiled as he said, I would like to date you. I think you and I would have great, fun times. Needless to say, I was flattered. Handsome man, asking to date me - forget that I didn't know anything about him - it was nice to know someone valued my time and sparkling personality so much!

Then, I realized, that dating him could mean a number of changes to my so-far-so-good single life. In the briefest of moments I took to begin pondering that, he then says, "of course, I would like you to meet my girlfriend." I looked at him and began to laugh, "What?" I chuckled, "Girlfriend?"

YES. GIRLFRIEND.

Apparently this guy has a girlfriend who he lives with and with whom he has a Poly relationship with - see Poly Amory. In other words, he loves more than one person at a time - see Mormon.
He wanted me to meet his girlfriend so that we could see if we hit it off. If we clicked. I asked "Why would it matter if I got along with your girlfriend?" He then began to explain that I would actually be dating the both of them.

I am sorry. I know I have not dated in a while, but is this for real?
He was completely serious.

Why can't I just meet a NORMAL guy?!?!

No Matter What You Do, You're Screwed

Every once-in-a-while I run into someone who is not aware of my looming divorce. They will ask me where's Sam? How is he? Where's he working? How is his mom? And to this, I say, "I am sure he is doing good."

When I really have no idea. It's weird. It feels like part of me is a little lost, displaced, gone.
And I don't know where it went off to.

Same thing happens when I see people who know all about my divorce and expect me to be the same as I was back when I was Mrs...

Feel the same, act the same, care the same. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I really just can't.

Or, If I was nice to someone because I was "being nice" out of courtesy for him, am I still expected to kiss this person's ass? I think not.

I am not blatantly rude, I just can't pretend that I like someone when I really don't.

And then, there are some people I have avoided since we separated. I just can't bring myself to speak to them or see them. Not even in email. It's far too painful. I am hoping that one day in the future, they might understand why I keep away. I hope that they can see past the anger, frustration and hurt that divorce creates, and accept the icky reality that is life.

It's ugly and a damn mess.

Love Lockdown.

I made the mistake of looking at my wedding ring this evening. I was lost in the tiny details of white gold and diamonds as they encircled my finger. It tugged heavy and hard on my heart.
I miss him.

I am trying hard to carry on. Move on. But I feel stuck somehow.

Have I said all that I wanted to say to him?

It might be some time before he is completely out of my system. I mean, seventeen years. God Damn.

I can't even fall in love. I've tried.

So far, I just fall in lust.

For now, that's all I can do, all I can feel - I guess.

Comfort Food

My friend P came over tonight to make me dinner. I thought it was so sweet, watching him chop and mix food in my tiny kitchen. I was not permitted to help, even though I asked - I was only allowed the task of opening bottles of Pacifico on request. Ha!

He made some mean fish tacos, which he says are his specialty, they were pretty good I'll have to admit. Even though I was really enjoying everything about tonight, the joyful company, the delicious food, the thoughtfulness of it all, the beer, the rainy-cold evening, and the promise of more dinners to come :), I found myself drifting off to past times with my ex. I hate that I do that! I was recalling the last time we actually cooked a meal together, or when we last ate fish tacos together.

It sucked.

Luckily I caught myself before it was too noticeable I had "checked-out" mentally. I immediately put a wide smile on my face as my dog Gigi followed my friend P around the kitchen, hoping some food would fall for her to gobble up.

I think it is amazing how we are all creatures of habit. And how we tend to do things that comfort us. P has been asking to make dinner for me for weeks now. If for no other reason, I decided to say yes to him because 1) I really wanted fish tacos and 2) I enjoy his company. Why hadn't I said yes sooner? I mean, we had such a great evening!?
I think it has a lot to do with me letting go. I mean it is one thing to go out to dinner - but have someone make a meal for you - in your own home?

I hadn't been ready for that until now. It was not comfortable until now.

It feels good - having someone take care of you.

Perspective

Maybe I should see things from your eyes, since mine are too jaded to see things for what they are.
hmmmm.......

My favorite quote this week comes from my sister:

"Getting a divorce is not the worst thing that will happen to you. And if it is, you're fucking lucky."

Furry Feet

I LOOOVE my dog. Adopting Gigi was the best decision I have made since the New Year. She is too cute and smart as a whip. I'm not bragging either! It is easy to get frustrated with a puppy who eats every shoe you wear, chases your cat, climbs on every piece of furniture and then chews on said furniture.

She barks all the time - especially when I ignore her, and when she wants something, or when she gets impatient (yes, she does!) and of course when she wants a treat.

In many ways (LOL), she is ALOT like me!














Gigi - March 2010

Psychic Friends Network

I think it is normal to wonder whether I will find love again. I know that I have not actually lost love, although I do feel like it's been a little displaced. I miss old routines. I miss knowing someone is going to be at home with me. I miss sharing meals and talking about the day.

It's normal to miss those things. Geesh, you are getting a divorce.

I feel like I have shot some Novocaine into my emotional center. I deliberately avoid stuff that will trigger a break-down like the plague. Thank God I don't have a big family that constantly will ask me about my Ex, because I don't think I would be able to handle that during the holidays like Easter - coming up.

I do find myself letting go a little easier now. Although I have to choose with whom I let go with. My BFF is someone who is always available to me, and who like me, knows exactly how this feels. I find myself sharing a little to much with new "friends" - who I really like - and want around. This is good and bad. Good because it shows a part of me that is fragile, human, yet jaded and wounded? Bad for the very same reasons.

I find myself looking ahead - a year, three years, five and ten years in the future, wondering if I will be able to get over him? What kind of life will I have? Will i find love? Re-marry?
These questions run-amok in my mind so much on some days that I feel like calling the psychic friends to see if they have any insight for me.

Seriously, I feel like it would all make this transition so much better if i just knew how it all works out - what happens to the heroine of our sordid story?

Just Not Tonight

So, I need an outlet.
I have much to say yet don't know just how to do so.
I figured this would be good for me since I have had other successful blogs before, not meaning they were popular (which they were), but they were more useful for me to continue to express myself and be productive. I don't talk too much, and most of what I want to talk about is kinda off-limits in normal conversation. I don't want stuff getting back to my mom, you see.

The last thing I need is to get a call from her inquiring why I am airing out my dirty laundry for all the Internet to see. Or better yet - why the skeletons in my closet are rattling away - or chattering? hmmmmm....

In either case, let's just keep things here simple. This is mainly to get a few peeps out of my hair. My friend Lori wants me to write a book about my divorce experience. I am not sure I want to, and even less sure anyone besides Lori would read it. OK, maybe Lori's mom.

I don't even think MY mom would read it, since she doesn't like finishing books. Ha ha - let's see if that gets back to my mom.

My divorce is pretty civil so far. I don't think what I have gone through is much different than other women's experiences. But then, I've been lucky.

Very Lucky.