I made the mistake of looking at my wedding ring this evening. I was lost in the tiny details of white gold and diamonds as they encircled my finger. It tugged heavy and hard on my heart.
I miss him.
I am trying hard to carry on. Move on. But I feel stuck somehow.
Have I said all that I wanted to say to him?
It might be some time before he is completely out of my system. I mean, seventeen years. God Damn.
I can't even fall in love. I've tried.
So far, I just fall in lust.
For now, that's all I can do, all I can feel - I guess.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Comfort Food
My friend P came over tonight to make me dinner. I thought it was so sweet, watching him chop and mix food in my tiny kitchen. I was not permitted to help, even though I asked - I was only allowed the task of opening bottles of Pacifico on request. Ha!
He made some mean fish tacos, which he says are his specialty, they were pretty good I'll have to admit. Even though I was really enjoying everything about tonight, the joyful company, the delicious food, the thoughtfulness of it all, the beer, the rainy-cold evening, and the promise of more dinners to come :), I found myself drifting off to past times with my ex. I hate that I do that! I was recalling the last time we actually cooked a meal together, or when we last ate fish tacos together.
It sucked.
Luckily I caught myself before it was too noticeable I had "checked-out" mentally. I immediately put a wide smile on my face as my dog Gigi followed my friend P around the kitchen, hoping some food would fall for her to gobble up.
I think it is amazing how we are all creatures of habit. And how we tend to do things that comfort us. P has been asking to make dinner for me for weeks now. If for no other reason, I decided to say yes to him because 1) I really wanted fish tacos and 2) I enjoy his company. Why hadn't I said yes sooner? I mean, we had such a great evening!?
I think it has a lot to do with me letting go. I mean it is one thing to go out to dinner - but have someone make a meal for you - in your own home?
I hadn't been ready for that until now. It was not comfortable until now.
It feels good - having someone take care of you.
He made some mean fish tacos, which he says are his specialty, they were pretty good I'll have to admit. Even though I was really enjoying everything about tonight, the joyful company, the delicious food, the thoughtfulness of it all, the beer, the rainy-cold evening, and the promise of more dinners to come :), I found myself drifting off to past times with my ex. I hate that I do that! I was recalling the last time we actually cooked a meal together, or when we last ate fish tacos together.
It sucked.
Luckily I caught myself before it was too noticeable I had "checked-out" mentally. I immediately put a wide smile on my face as my dog Gigi followed my friend P around the kitchen, hoping some food would fall for her to gobble up.
I think it is amazing how we are all creatures of habit. And how we tend to do things that comfort us. P has been asking to make dinner for me for weeks now. If for no other reason, I decided to say yes to him because 1) I really wanted fish tacos and 2) I enjoy his company. Why hadn't I said yes sooner? I mean, we had such a great evening!?
I think it has a lot to do with me letting go. I mean it is one thing to go out to dinner - but have someone make a meal for you - in your own home?
I hadn't been ready for that until now. It was not comfortable until now.
It feels good - having someone take care of you.
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