I mess up most things

Sometimes I think I know exactly what it is that I want. When I come close to it, you would think that I should hold on to it - right?

Not me. I scare it, chase it, throw it AWAY.

I'm feeling sad, but not terribly regretful. He is probably better off finding someone who suits him more - someone closer to his own age, someone who wants to be his wife.

Hell, I'm still (technically) married.

I also don't want just anyone. I want to be crazy in love with the man.

Tall order - I know.

Rihanna - Rude Boy

Damn Rihanna.
All I can say is "Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up." LOL

My Mom

I've been pretty open with my mom about my divorce and my love life (I sensor things out that are irrelevant to her - ha ha). She knows that I have a couple love interests, but am finding it difficult to develop feelings at this time. "Maybe you're not ready" she told me yesterday over the phone during our weekly check-in convo. "I don't think I will ever be," I said. I miss Sam, and know that there is really nothing left for me there. It's hard to accept.

But I accept it a little more each day.

I have been having anxious dreams about him lately. They are pretty horrible actually. Horrible because of how they make me feel. Disjointed, paralyzed, fearful, alone, upset, sad...

Not completely unfamiliar feelings.

I know I am capable of a lot of love. I have a capacity that grows everyday for it. I feel confident that there will be a time when I am ready to open up and share what is inside of me with one very lucky man. :)

I just have not met him yet.

Day Dreaming

I have very vivid day dreams. Like most people, I fantasize about exotic locations, beach-side, with a lovely, tasty beverage. Toes buried in the sand, my lover by my side, and all the time in the world, no need to have a phone, a laptop, car, GPS, because no one can find me!

Yes, I fantasize about hiding these days. Seriously. Lately, in my day-dreams, I'm in Costa Rica, Puerto Viejo, a gazillion miles from any stressor, and two steps from the big, blue ocean.

I am one stressed-out chick.

Swimming has helped me a lot. I try to go 3 - 4 times per week. I try to have a vigorous work out since I have a lot of energy to expel in order for me to be exhausted (not sure if that is the right word?). It's weird, I know, but that is when I am most peaceful - when I am all tired-out and when I am in the water.

I will be up at dawn tomorrow - to get to the pool before the lanes get packed full of swimmers. I hate waiting, reminds me of traffic, and traffic stresses me out.

Go figure.